Important Tip: Stealing Is ILLEGAL!

Well, I did, in fact, subject myself to a repeat viewing of Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace last night, but I don't think I'm going to waste any more of my and your time by lambasting a movie made in the last century. All I will say is that the film actually was not as bad as I remember it being; it was (and I'm sure all of you reading this can see the pay-off to that age old set-up coming at you straight up High Street) FAR, FAR WORSE!! Menace is easily the worst of the Star Wars cycle and I can see why Gabe, or anyone for that matter, would question their own taste, even their very sanity, for having liked the original trilogy after seeing this mess.

I remember feeling the same way after seeing Robin Hood: Men In Tights. The film was so amazingly unfunny that I wondered if I just no longer found Mel Brooks funny or if Mel Brooks just wasn't funny anymore, or at least not this time out, anyway. So, I watched Blazing Saddles again and was reminded of the by-gone era when Mel Brooks could actually make me laugh.

Anyway, I've wasted too much time on bad movies, so let's move on to the news.

A new addition to the list of things that the Channel 4 News department, who are always looking out for their viewers, wants us to be very, very afraid of--a list that includes terrorism, bird-flu, identity theft, perverts living next door to us, and much, much more--is the practice known as check washing, in which dastardly ne'er-do-wells will stealthily steal checks from the santity of your mailbox, use a chemical solution to remove the writing but leave the rest of the check intact, then fill in their own name or the name of one of their buddies and whatever amount they need that day to buy crack. Mike (not to be confused, God forbid, with Michael) Jackson's special report on the subject has aired at least twice, that I've seen, during the past twenty four hours, at 5 p.m. and 5 a.m., and has probably popped up once or twice more.

During the 5 a.m. 'cast this morning, anchor Anietra Hamper introduced the segment by describing check washing as "an illegal method of stealing money." Well, thanks for the tip, Anietra. If you hadn't clued me in that this was illegal, I might have gone and tried it. You probably saved my life.

Say, Anietra, you don't know any legal methods of stealing money that you can maybe clue me in on, do you? 'Cause, you see, I'm a little strapped right now and I could really use a few extra bucks, but I don't want to have to worry about getting caught and spending the next couple of years at Lucasville as someone's bitch. (That is, from what I have heard at least, what happens to pretty boys like me in prison.)

In other news, there has been a trend in the past few years of nicknaming impending legislation after the most publicized victim of the activity being legislated against, but with the new bill that will crack down on so-called puppy mills, I think the trend has gone too far: the bill is known as "Pretty Girls Bill" and Pretty Girl is, as you may have guessed, a dog.

Ken Blackwell, by the way, has come out in support of this law, which was followed immediately by the revelation that he owns stock in at least six "puppy mills."