Loius Rukeyser Signs Off

Even though business and financial news generally bores my socks right off, thus I really didn't give half a crap what he was actually talking about, I liked Louis Rukeyser. I would stay tuned to our local PBS station, WOSU, for a few minutes following Washington Week In Review to listen to his opening remarks. There was a certain quality to his voice and a kind of grandfatherly quality to warm manner and gentle humor that made him appealing even to someone with nothing to gain or lose in the latest fluctuation of the stock or bond markets. To those who did, I'm sure that Rukeyser was a comforting and reassuring presence. I missed him when PBS unceremoniusly dumped him after three decades as host of Wall Street Week, though I did catch his CNBC show, Louis Rukeyser's Wall Street, a couple of times before ill health forced him to give it up. Friday nights have not been the same since.

Rukeyser was 73 years old when he died yesterday of a rare form of cancer.

My Final Star Wars Post (for now)

Latest entertainment news: The director of the Rush Hour films has decided to replace Chris Tucker with someone slightly less annoying for the upcoming Rush Hour 3, due to start shooting this summer. For the new film, the role of Detective James Carter will be played by Jar Jar Binks.

Ok, in reality, it's a toss up which of those two is more annoying, but at least Jar Jar has the advantage of being simply a computer program. Man, until I forced myself to watch The Phantom Menace the other night I had forgotten just how truly, totally, nerve-gratingly annoying Jar Jar was. His mere presence in that film would have overshadowed all the film's good points, if there had been any. (Don't even get me started on that midichlorian nonsense)

I did, however, follow up Menace by watching the first first film, A New Hope, and was reminded of why people were eagerly waiting a decade and a half for crap like Menace in the first place. At the end, I was on the edge of my seat as Luke raced against time to destroy the Death Star before it moved into position to destroy the Rebel base, even though I, and every sentient being on the planet regardless of whether they've seen the movie or not, knew the outcome. That's good film making.

As I said earlier, the best Star Wars movie of the post-Return of the Jedi era is the Clone Wars cartoons directed by Genndy Tartakovsky for Cartoon Network. After I finished watching them, I wanted to see more. Furthermore, there is a gap in the chronology of the story of something like twenty years between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope and a lot happens during that time. There's the beginnings of the Rebel Alliance to chronicle, as well as the early adventures of Han Solo, including how he aquired the Millenium Falcon from Lando Calrissian, how he got into trouble with Jabba the Hut and how he hooked up with Chewbacca. (Y'know, for someone who professes not to dig Star Wars all that much, I sure know an awful damned lot about it.) Lucasfilm should let Tartakovsky and his animators loose on the story of those lost years, and without a new film to promote they could do them as movies in and of themselves instead of serialized teasers for the upcoming film, as Clone Wars was.

Begun The Campaign Wars Have

When you work in fast food, every damned day you encounter morons who can't figure out what they want to order, or how to tell you what they want, or in some cases what fast food restaurant they're even at. I won't say which chain I work for, but it ain't BK, though we constantly get people trying to order a Whopper. The scary thing is that today some of these clueless types were sporting "I Voted" stickers. It's frightening to think that, with less than twenty-five percent of registered voters expected to turn out today, our choices for Ohio's next governor are being decided by people who cannot even figure out a fast food menu.

It really doesn't matter, I suppose. The outcomes of both the Democratic and GOP primaries have been pretty much foregone conclusions for months. Just a couple of months ago, the Democratic race looked like it might be interesting, with Columbus mayor Mike Coleman still in it and talk floating around of former Cincinnati mayor Jerry Springer (yep, that Jerry Springer) possibly making a run for the Statehouse. In the end, however, Ted Strickland has basically lucked into the nomination simply by staying in the race while all serious opposition collapsed around him. He really didn't have to do anything. I don't think I've seen even one Strickland campaign ad on the tube. Ken Blackwell and Jim Petro, on the other hand, have gone back and forth trying to appear more conservative than their opponent to their GOP base. I think Blackwell has won that dubious honor, not to mention simultaneouly coming off as mean-spirited, bigoted and slightly nutty, but not in a harmless way.

Meanwhile, Dan Williamson of The Other Paper, one of the few writers at that mostly worthless rag who at least appears to have some knowledge of the subject he's writing about, has already practically annointed Strickland Ohio's next governor, reasoning that while he had no primary opposition to speak of and thus was able to save all his campaign funds for the fall race, Ken Blackwell had some semi-serious competition in Jim Petro to fight off and may have depleted his war chest enough to put him at a disadvantage. Maybe so, but Kenny-boy is not going down without a serious and dirty fight. I bet he's had his ad writers and researchers digging for any dirt, or anything that could be made to look like dirt, on Teddy and I wouldn't be surprised if we see his first attack ad as early as tomorrow. The people with TiVo, who can skip over commercials, will be the lucky ones, for they will be able to avoid Blackwell's toxic cloud of blather, and the rest of will be wearing out the mute buttons on our remotes or heading to the kitchen during commercial breaks to make lots and lots of sandwiches.

Oh, yeah--it's gonna be a long six months 'til November here in the Buckeye State.

Which One of These Losers Will Be Ohio's Next Governor

A man named Jim Hightower wrote a book a few years ago entitled If The Gods Had Meant Us To Vote They Would Have Given Us Candidates. Now, I know nothing of Mr. Hightower, but from that title I would guess that he is a Democrat. I've been voting since I was eighteen, most of that time as a registered Democrat, and I have never encountered a candidate from any party that I was really excited about. Their have been no shortage of candidates, mostly Republican, to vote against, however.

Take this year's gubernatorial contest here in Ohio. Ted Strickland, the man who will most likely emerge from tomorrow's primary as the Democratic gubernatorial (I just love that word) candidate, seems like a nice enough guy from what I have read and heard of him, but so far he has said or done nothing that makes me especially want him to be my governor. The main reason that I will most likely vote for him in November is that he is not Ken Blackwell.

Blackwell, currently Ohio's Secretary of State as well as statewide chairman of George W. Bush's re-election campaign in 2004 and the likely Republican winner tomorrow, is a man whose proudest accomplishment, at least this is the impression his campaign ads leave me with, seems to be leading the campaign to whip up a statewide furor of homophobia sufficient to pass an amendment to the Ohio constitution banning gay marriage. His primary opponent Jim Petro opposed passage of the amendment, according, again, to Blackwell's ads, and those ads conflate opposition to the amendment with favoring gay marriage, though there were many other reasons not to want to see the measure adopted, not the least of which was that the legislaturer had already passed a "Defense of Marriage" law which banned gay marriage. Blackwell's ads stop just short of calling Petro a "faggot," which I'm sure he would do if he thought he could get away with it.

By the way, does it strike anyone else as smacking of conflict of interest that the man in charge of overseeing elections statewide should be actively campaigning for any candidate other than himself? Maybe that's what we need an amendment to ban. I would, in fact, favor removing the Secretary of State's office from the realm of campaign politics altogether by making it an appointed office. I'm sure most voters have no idea what the SoS does or who the people are behind those names on the ballot.

Okay, enough politics....let's see what my evil twin, Charlie Sheen has been up to lately:

Charlie Sheen's porn habit cited in divorce case

Hell, I think I'd rather have Charlie Sheen as my governor than either of those two bozos.

(STRAY THOUGHTS) Topic: Horse Sense

Apparently, Giacomo, the horse who won last year's Kentucky Derby, was named after Sting's son. I suppose having a horse, especially a Derby winner, named after you would be cool. On the other hand, being named after a horse, even if it won the whole damned Triple Crown, would just be embarrassing.

The Best of "The Word"????

So, as I said yesterday, SPACE (The Small Press and Alternative Comics Expo) is but a mere fortnight hence, and due to my status as a FOBC (Friend of Bob Corby) I do have a table set aside for me and my self-published work. However, I haven't self-published anything in about two years. Last year, I at least had the Atomic Tomorrow to promote, but this year the only thing I've got to promote is this blog. So, that is what I'm going to do.

I'm considering putting together a small sampling, probably just one sheet of paper, of the finest writing from The Word From On High. (Don't think I don't hear you snickering out there in cyberspace!) Due to space limitations and my penchant for long-windedness, I'd probably only have room for four or five items. Now, I have my own ideas as to what the best examples of my work here from the past three months are, but I would like my regular readers (all 3 of you) to give me their input. Below is a list of some of my favorite pieces. Let me know which ones you think best showcase whatever the hell it is that I am trying to accomplish here, or suggest one or two of your favorite pieces that I haven't listed.

2/20/2006--We Can Put This Behind Us...But Don't Turn Your Back On Dick

My last word on the Veep's "hunting accident"

2/22/2006--Live From Nowhere

What happens when reporters have too much time on their hands.

2/28/2006--In Remembrance of a Friend Long Gone

A 7 year old's first experience with death.

3/5/2006--Do The Research, Morons!

My first of what will probably be very many rants against The Other Paper

3/6/2006--Curse You, Superman!

I debunk the so-called "Superman Curse"

3/8/2006--(STRAY THOUGHTS) Topic:Music

The music of Blue Oyster Cult, to be specific

3/11/2006--Hurry The Hell Up, Already!!

I rail against people who take too long at ATM's

3/21/2006--Leave Her Alone--She's FAMOUS!

The inclusion of this piece is pretty much automatic, as this is the infamous Marie Osmond post that caused a minor furor.

3/31/2006--(STRAY THOUGHTS) Topic: Movie Monsters

Demented thoughts about the new Superman film.

4/12/2006--But Who Was Winning The Argument?

A not so close encounter with a crazy woman.

4/28/2006--Stupid Whiny Bastards

The SWB of the title are idiots who whine about high gas prices and drive SUVs

Well, those are my nominees for the best of The Word From On High. Which do you think merit inclusion in a collection of the very, very best--or are there gems here I'm overlooking? I look forward to reading what you've got to say.

A Celebration of Bad TV--The Daytime Emmies

In my frenzy to avoid Deal Or No Deal last night, I stumbled unsuspectingly upon the Daytime Emmy Awards broadcast and foolishly watched it for several minutes. Apparently, there's not a lot in daytime TV worth awarding as the show seemed to take forever between awards presentations, filling the time with padding and fluff such as clips from nominated soaps, profiles of nominated actors and shots of winners greeting their fans while holding their little trophies as if it meant that they'd actually accomplished something worthwhile.

The level of acting on daytime soaps has never been all that high, but apparently the standards have dipped precipitously if the award for Younger Actor is any indication. The statue went to Tom Pelphrey of Guiding Light , but I can't figure out why. The clip that accompanied the announcement of his name as a nominee was one of the most egregious examples of over the top over acting that I have ever seen on a soap or anywhere else.

That level of performance, plus some of the ridiculous over the top plots (Marlena posesed by Satan? Come ON!) are among the reasons I quit watching soaps, although having a full time day job was another contributing factor. However, if a report I read in Soap Opera Digest here at the library while I was waiting for my last entry to upload is correct, I may want to start taping Days Of Our Lives again--Patch and Kayla are coming back! These were two of my favorite characters back when I actually cared about stuff like that.

Rendezvous In SPACE

"In the Old West, they used to have trappers'rendezvous every four years. All the mountain men and people who lived in the wilderness would get together in a certain spot and swap stories, have wrestling matches and canoe races, and see their friends. This is our trappers' rendezvous, but we have it every year."

That's the late Jack "Treetop" Straus, the man whose stunning come from behind victory in the Main Event of the 1982 World Series of Poker inspired the well-known poker adage about "a chip and a chair," quoted by Jonathan Grotenstein and Storms Reback in their book All In: The (Almost) Entirely True Story of the World Series of Poker. Straus was, as you would suspect, speaking of the WSOP, but when it hit me when I read that how the same sentiment could be expressed regarding the Small Press and Alternative Comics Expo (heretofore to be referred to simply as SPACE).

Every Spring, over a hundred Small Press comics artists, mostly self-publishers, gather here in Columbus, Ohio to meet and greet long time fans, new readers and old friends. For me, SPACE provides, among other things, a chance to see friends that I only get to see at SPACE or the very few other comic cons I attend. The show has also given me the opportunity to meet people with whom I've corresponded and traded comics, sometimes for many years, but never seen in person as well as to meet artists whose work I may have heard of but never read and new artists just entering the field. I also have an opportunity to meet the people who read my comics and to rope more people into reading them.

Of course, you don't have to be a close personal friend of Matt Feazell to enjoy SPACE. If you're already aware of the Small Press comics scene, this is a great place to pick up the lastest by your favorite creators, and if you're not, then this is the best place to find out what it's all about. A wide variety of books is available in all formats. Professionally printed graphic novels sit next to photcopied minicomics and cover a range of genres and topics from humor to autobiography to just about anything you can think of and there are even some superhero comics if you're into that sort of thing. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

In lieu of wrestling matches and canoe races (though I will suggest to SPACE organizer Bob Corby that he add them for next year's show), SPACE offers, in addition to a roomful of artists hawking their wares, a full day of panels appealing to both Small Press creators and readers. The highlight is the awards ceremony in which the Day Prize, chosen by Cerebus creators Dave Sim and Gerhard from among entries submitted at the previous year's show, and the SPACE Lifetime Achievement Award are presented.

SPACE 2006 takes place two weeks from today, May 13, at the Aladdin Shrine Complex Multipurpose Room, 3850 Stelzer Road, Columbus, OH.

RIIING!!!!! Hello, It's Michael Jackson

Jackson stops calling ABC Sports

Turns out that headline concerns the retirement of veteran ABC sportscaster Keith Jackson, but when I first saw it, I actually thought it was about Michael Jackson making telephone calls to ABC Sports. Why would he be doing that? Who knows? Maybe he wanted to complain about something--perhaps Monday Night Football going to ESPN--or maybe he was just lonely and needed someone to talk to but all the eleven year old boys were in school, or maybe they were crank calls like Bart makes to Moe's Tavern on The Simpsons. And then today, no matter what the reason for his calls, he stopped. No one at ABC Sports is sure just why he stopped, but they're sure of one thing and that's that they miss him. Sure, his constant phone calls were annoying at first, but he's since become their creepy little phone buddy and life just won't be the same without him around.

Yeah, I really don't care too much about sports or sportscasters. I like my story better.

Stupid Whiny Bastards

I ain't gots no car, so the high gas prices don't directly affect me. Indirectly, though, though the higher costs of goods and services, we all pay. What I really hate, however, is people who bitch about the high cost of gas, yet don't...

OK, instead of simply ranting, I'm gonna tell y'all a story:

I work for a well known fast food chain taking orders at the drive-through window. One day we made one of our infrequent--nay, rare--mistakes. The sad victim of our ineptitude returned to the window several moments later to demand that we rectify our error, which we were, of course, happy to do. As I gave the man his corrected sandwich and profusely and politely apologized, the jackass gets all bitchy about how he had to drive all the way back and how the price of gasoline is almost three bucks a gallon. A fair enough complaint, on the surface. Except that the next time this bozo comes through, he's driving this big honking gas-eating SU-freakin'-V, which must get something like 10 gallons to the mile or worse. If the price of gas was such a backbreaking burden for this jackass, maybe he shouldn't just be pouring it into that fuel guzzling monster.

What is the appeal of SUV's anyway? Why do people want to drive around in something that looks like a Brinks truck? And they're ugly, too. (The cars--not the people. Well, most of the people, too. Like the guy in the story above; he looked like Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow from the Batman comics.) Have you seen the Honda Element? This is the most hideous thing on four wheels. It's quite literally a metal box with four wheels and an engine. What aesthetically challenged--or maybe just blind--idiot designed this monstrosity?

Sorry, did I say something about not ranting? Oh, well--it's not like I promised.

Anyway, I'm done. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

(Now, THAT'S Trivia #12) Boogie Days

Today's trivia question comes from the world of music, an area of pop culture that I've sadly sort of neglected..maybe it's because just about the only radio I listen to these days is NPR news and talk. My favorite music remains the songs I grew up with; the music of the 1970's and 80's, which is also the music that I spun during my brief career as DJ back in the late 80's/early 90's.

So, today's question is:

On Elton John's version of the Beatles' Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, a guest musician plays with John and is credited as "Dr. Winston O' Boogie." This, obviously, is a pseudonym. Nobody names their kid Winston anymore. What was the good Dr. O'Boogie's real name?

The answer is at The Answer Blog.

Important Tip: Stealing Is ILLEGAL!

Well, I did, in fact, subject myself to a repeat viewing of Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace last night, but I don't think I'm going to waste any more of my and your time by lambasting a movie made in the last century. All I will say is that the film actually was not as bad as I remember it being; it was (and I'm sure all of you reading this can see the pay-off to that age old set-up coming at you straight up High Street) FAR, FAR WORSE!! Menace is easily the worst of the Star Wars cycle and I can see why Gabe, or anyone for that matter, would question their own taste, even their very sanity, for having liked the original trilogy after seeing this mess.

I remember feeling the same way after seeing Robin Hood: Men In Tights. The film was so amazingly unfunny that I wondered if I just no longer found Mel Brooks funny or if Mel Brooks just wasn't funny anymore, or at least not this time out, anyway. So, I watched Blazing Saddles again and was reminded of the by-gone era when Mel Brooks could actually make me laugh.

Anyway, I've wasted too much time on bad movies, so let's move on to the news.

A new addition to the list of things that the Channel 4 News department, who are always looking out for their viewers, wants us to be very, very afraid of--a list that includes terrorism, bird-flu, identity theft, perverts living next door to us, and much, much more--is the practice known as check washing, in which dastardly ne'er-do-wells will stealthily steal checks from the santity of your mailbox, use a chemical solution to remove the writing but leave the rest of the check intact, then fill in their own name or the name of one of their buddies and whatever amount they need that day to buy crack. Mike (not to be confused, God forbid, with Michael) Jackson's special report on the subject has aired at least twice, that I've seen, during the past twenty four hours, at 5 p.m. and 5 a.m., and has probably popped up once or twice more.

During the 5 a.m. 'cast this morning, anchor Anietra Hamper introduced the segment by describing check washing as "an illegal method of stealing money." Well, thanks for the tip, Anietra. If you hadn't clued me in that this was illegal, I might have gone and tried it. You probably saved my life.

Say, Anietra, you don't know any legal methods of stealing money that you can maybe clue me in on, do you? 'Cause, you see, I'm a little strapped right now and I could really use a few extra bucks, but I don't want to have to worry about getting caught and spending the next couple of years at Lucasville as someone's bitch. (That is, from what I have heard at least, what happens to pretty boys like me in prison.)

In other news, there has been a trend in the past few years of nicknaming impending legislation after the most publicized victim of the activity being legislated against, but with the new bill that will crack down on so-called puppy mills, I think the trend has gone too far: the bill is known as "Pretty Girls Bill" and Pretty Girl is, as you may have guessed, a dog.

Ken Blackwell, by the way, has come out in support of this law, which was followed immediately by the revelation that he owns stock in at least six "puppy mills."

Attack On "Clones"

Last week, with the recently concluded Star Wars epic much on my mind after two successive posts on the subject, I happened upon a copy of Episode II: Attack of the Clones in the Whetstone libraries DVD section and snapped it up, wanting to see if it was really as bad on a second viewing as I remembered.
The truth is that it had been some years since I had seen Episode II, at a small gathering of some of my then best friend's other friends friends who I sort of knew but weren't really my friends, shortly after the film's initial release on DVD and I really didn't remember it all that well. All I remembered was laughter from the people I was watching the movie with in places that George Lucas surely did not intend there to be laughter and an impression that I had was seeing perhaps one of the worst films I would ever see in my life. So, foolishly perhaps, I decided to give Episode II another chance.
I realize now that the reason I didn't remember much about the film is that it simply is not at all memorable. The main problem is the so-called love story that is supposedly the heart of the piece. I just didn't buy it. In one of the "making of" featurettes, Natalie Portman, the actress who played Padme Amidala in the three prequels, allows as how Lucas had never made a love story before. She really didn't have to tell me. It is that obvious. Actually, after watching this clunker, you might think he'd never even been in love before. Which would be sad, if true, for a man his age.
In Episode II, as in Revenge of the Sith, events happen not because they make sense, but because the story says they have to. Annakin and Padme must fall in love, because Luke and Leia have to cme from somewhere. However, Annakin comes off as such an unlikable jackass here that I had trouble believing that anyone could even like him, much less want to marry him. The romance progresses in a series of cliched scenes borrowed from just about every other romace flick ever shot, up to and including the hackneyed "confession of love just as we think we're about to be killed" bit.

Truthfully, there is not one original idea in evidence here in this movie. Obi-Wan's investigation into assassination attempts on Padme plays like Dragnet in outer space, a concept that was pulled off with far more pinache in a Daffy Duck cartoon over fifty years ago.

I said above that I remember laughter in places where it probably wasn't intended, and there were some places where Lucas was going for laughs but couldn't deliver. The comic relief bits with C3PO reveal the audience that George was really writing the last three movies for, as the 'droid dfelivers a series of obvious puns that no intelligent person over the age of five would be amused by.

Given all that I've just written, I have no idea what possesed me to check out The Phantom Menace just a few moments ago. Perhaps a vain hope, in spite of my experience with Attack of the Clones, that just maybe this one is even slightly better than I remember it being. However, I also scooped up A New Hope, so after I've finally waded through the last of the prequels, I'll reward myself by watching that one.

On Friday, my friend Gabe told me that after viewing the latter day trilogy, he wondered whether the reason he was unimpressed with it was that Lucas had lost his touch or his own tastes had changed, so he went back and watched A New Hope and found himself enjoying it as much as ever. So, as Bill Murray said in Caddyshack, I've got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Random Bits Of Weirdness

Frankly, friends, I got nada today, so I've been poking around looking for a couple of stories to make a few short, snarky cheapshots at.

Before, I get to that, I want to correct a mistake I made in Sunday's post on giant carrots. Apparently, according to frequent Word From On High commenter and annoying know it all Eric Clark, there are, in fact, carrots featured in the Veggie Tales videos. Being a forty year old man with no kids, I haven't seen the entire Veggie Tales canon, and was basing my erroneous conclusion on the few videos that I've seen with my sister's girls. However, the appearance of a carrot in what is ostensibly a humorous setting does reinforce the main point of the entry.

Moving on, here are some stories I found while searching desperately for something to write about today:

'Idol's Ryan and Paula Disagree on Feud

It seems Ryan Seacrest and Paula Abdul aren't on speaking terms these days. No big loss, really. I'd be surprised if either of them actually had anything interesting to say. And I'll bet Simon wishes that both of them would not talk to him.

Next up: Did you know that we are in the midst of TV Turn-Off Week? This week, until Sunday, we are encouraged to turn off our idiot boxes and do something besides sit on the couch and stare at the tube, such as read or even, as unthinkable as it may seem, talk to each other. Yeah, I know. Sounds crazy to me, too. Personally, I plan to pay as much attention to TV Turn-off Week as I do the Great American Smokeout; that is to say, none at all. My plans for this evening actually include enjoying a cheap cigar while watching American Idol and wishing Randy Jackson would just stop talking to anyone.

Michael Jackson eyeing 50 Cent collaboration

Gee, remember when it was hot young artist Micheal Jackson that nearly washed up former superstar Paul McCartney turned to in order to give his sagging career a boost. The shoe, it would seem, is now firmly tied onto the other foot.

Finally, there's really nothing I can say about this story, as it's ridiculous enough on its own:

Santa? No! It's Naked chimney guy!

A man in San Francisco was locked out of his home and attempted to get in by going down the chimney, after first removing all his clothes in order to reduce friction and make his descent easier. Didn't work. He became trapped in the chimney and police, thinking a burglary was in progress, had to be called to remove him.

"Bar League Poker Dead In Ohio" Says Rat Pack

This just in from The Word From On High news satellite, hovering in geosynchronous orbit exactly 23,000 miles above my head.

As you know, about the time I revived The Word, a Texas Hold'Em game at Conti's Pub & Club here in Columbus was raided and several players fined. As a poker player and participant in the Rat Pack's Winter Poker League (not a member of the Rat Pack, however--should any actual member misconstrue that statement as me claiming to be one of them), I was quite upset by this turn of events and have been keeping myself and my readers updated on the story as it progresses. Here is the latest development, posted on the Columbus Poker Meet-Up Message Board on Friday by the board's moderator, known as "Rat Pack Planner":

"FYI, the TFPL (which runs a large number of bar leagues, has suspended all bar league games in Ohio. Seems that one of their bars was recently raided also. Bottom line- Bar League Poker in Ohio is dead until further notice. All bar league games are subject to police raids at this time. Illegal charity games probably will also soon be targeted, although, with each county prosecutor, enforcement will likely be unbalanced, and dependent upon the influence that some of these groups may have over individual prosecutors."

This upset me because the poker league was was one of the few things other than going to work that got me out of my apartment and interacting with other human beings, not to mention that it was good, cheap practice for my own monthly home game. However, according to a reply posted yesterday on the Meet-Up boards, it was also illegal.

Fortunately, in, quite literally, laying down the law on the leagality of poker in Ohio in clearly understandable layman's language, "Chuck" did allay any doubts I had entertained about the legality of my monthly game. I'd seen a copy of the statute in question on some web site once a few months ago, but that did nothing to clear the matter up for me, as it was written by and for lawyers and was thus in impentrable legalese.

Anyway, here are the pertinent portions of Chuck's rather long post:

"The Ohio Revised Code is very specific about legal and illegal poker in the State of Ohio!!!

"If you play poker in a public place...Bar, Resaurant, Retail Store, etc...It is illegal. Period! You can't do it, even for fun with zero buy-in!!!

"You may only play in a private location...like someone's private home or their garage or their back yard...etc!!! And if you play in a private home...You are ONLY legal if the house does NOT take a rake (have a built in profit taken from each buy-in). If the buy-in is $20 and there are 20 players...The entire $400 better be paid out or you just broke the law!!"

Well, it looks like this issue is settled, at least for now, though I would like to see the law change so that Free Bar Leagues can exist. As long as no money is exchanged, and Brian, the Rat Pack's tournament director was very careful about seeing to that, then it's not really "gambling" and hurts no one.

Carrots: Funny or Evil?

So, getting back to the subject of the comedic appeal of giant carrots, which I promised on Wednesday that I would expound upon at some future date. Well, the future is here, but where's my flying car? Seriously, man, it's the 21st freakin' century and I will continue to walk everywhere until I get my Jetson-mobile.

Anyway, back to what's passing for a topic today.

In my four decades of consuming American pop culture, I have come across several examples of giant carrots in humor. The most famous would have to be a 1978 episode of The Muppet Show in which Gilda Radner sings Gilbert and Sullivan's "I Am The Very Model of A Modern Major General" in a duet with a 7 foot tall carrot. Other examples include a mid-70's issue of DC Comics' Plastic Man, written by Steve Skeates, in which Plas faces, among other nefarious foes, the Carrot Man, who is, quite simply, a man in a carrot suit. He had been a contestant on a fictional Let's Make A Deal type game show when he suffered a head injury that caused him to turn to crime. (This issue also featured a hired assassin from the West Coast named "Rice O'Rooney--the San Francisco Threat." I still think that is one of the funniest things I've ever read, which should probably tell you a lot about me.) Then there's Bob Burden's Flaming Carrot Comics, which features a hero who wears a giant carrot mask with flames on top where the greens of a real carrot would be. The character also wears flippers, and when asked why will always answer, "In case I have to swim."

Last, and most assuredly least, is my own creation, The 50 Foot Carrot From Hell, which is a giant carrot with a demonic face surrounded by flames, who starred in a series of unpublished and not seen by more than a handful of people one panel gag cartoons in the 80's.

So, I have always wondered what is about giant carrots that inspires humor? Is it some almost forgotten race memory deep in the human genome that makes us think overgrown orange roots are humorous? Does it have something to do with the vaguely phallic form of the vegetable? (When I was in college, one of my girlfriend's friends commented that the 50 Foot Carrot From Hell "would make a great sex toy." I guess her bisexual boyfriend wasn't sufficiently satisfying her.) I really don't know, but I certainly believe that this is a subject that merits some serious scientific study. I believe the results would yield many important insights into human nature.

Finally, and I really don't know if this is related to today's topic or not, have you noticed that none of the characters in Veggie Tales is a carrot? Or perhaps I accidentally hit upon something back in college with my creation of a Carrot From Hell? Are carrots really harbingers of evil and thus not fit for inclusion in a video series that indoctrinates unsuspecting children with Christian values? Once again, more study of this question is needed.

The Word's Quote of the Week

"I'm a conscientious American, therefore I have to be angry."

--Henry Rollins on Wait Wait--Don't Tell Me 4/22/06

Missing The Mark

I could maintain a whole other blog, updated several times daily, devoted to the errors, stupid mistakes, and general stupidity to be found each and every week in Columbus, Ohio's so-called "alternative" newspaper (that word should most likely be in quote marks as well) The Other Paper. Yes, coming soon to an Internet near you: TheOtherPaperIsFullOfCrap.com. Watch for it.

This week's example of how just about everyone associated with this rag is out of touch with reality as you and I know it comes from the Alternaflicks column by Teena (two e's, isn't that sooo cute) Parker which leads off with an item about the annual 24 Hour Science Fiction Marathon, which is taking place at the brand spanking new Drexel Gateway Theater even as I type this.

The item begins thusly:

"'Space: the final frontier....' If you know which television show those words came from, then we probably don't have to remind you that the Drexel's annual Science Fiction Film Festival kicks off this weekend."

In keeping with TOP's grand journalistic tradition of mocking those they percieve as less cool than themselves, which, given their unusually, and wholly unjustified, high opinion of themselves, is just about everyone, this lead tries to paint anyone who'd be interested in the marathon as a hopeless Sci-Fi geek, but kind of misses the mark. Parker might have made her snarky little point better if she'd picked a more obscure quote, perhaps something from one of the films actually being shown this weekend. (Though, it, of course, goes without saying that she, since she writes for TOP, is far too cool to have seen any of them, or to take the time to research them.) Furthermore, given its immense mainstream success and tremendous impact on American popular culture, it does not mean you are a geek if you recognize the first four words from the opening narration of Star Trek. It simply means that you've been alive and living in the United States of America sometime during the past four decades and have been even vaguely aware of your surroundings, instead of living with your head stuck up your own butt like most of TOP's writers.

I said the only reason I even pick this thing up is for Tom, the Dancing Bug--but that's available on-line, isn't it?

No Hopes For "Dreamz"

The ads for the new movie American Dreamz, opening today, invite us to "Imagine a country where more people vote for a pop idol than their next president." Considering that the only time I've seen the ads on TV have been during American Idol, I have no trouble imagining such a place, though I have a few qualms about actually living in it, and I would really love to see a really hard edged biting satire on contempory American politics and pop culture. I just don't think that Dreamz is going to turn out to be that movie. In fact, I don't even think that Hollywood is capable of making a film like that anymore. There really hasn't been a good social satire on film since Network, exactly thirty years ago. Audiences, or at the very least the Hollywood corporate weasels who greenlight films, demand happy endings, and, for the most part, happy endings and effective satire don't really go together.

Besides, Hugh Grant stars in this film and Grant is most associated with lightweight romantic comedy, not trenchant satire. Add in the fact that director Paul Weitz's most notable credit is American Pie and you can see why I don't hold high hopes for this being the next Network.

(Now, THAT'S Trivia #11) Eight Is Too Much

Today's trivia question actually sort of ties into the sort of theme that I've had going on this week, which is a bit of a hint to the answer, by the way?

The role of oldest son David Bradford was played for most of the run of the TV series Eight Is Enough by Grant Godeve, but another actor assayed the part in the original pilot. Who was this actor and why did he give up this shot at stardom, or at least steady work?

The answer, my friends, is blowing in The Answer Blog.