"Made-Up" Holidays

I'm not sure if I should include this post under the category of "The Other Paper Sucks" since what I'm railing against is not so much the stupidity of TOP but something stupid that somebody unconnected with the rag is quoted as saying in the cover story. Then again, TOP's "reporter" did opt to use the stupid quote in the piece, and the editor apparently thought that a Valentine's Day puff piece on why whiny pathetic losers are still single was worthy of the cover spot. (Probably the same moron who thought that a lame article about Channel 6 airing Seinfeld repeats in prime time was front page material. Fortunately, TOP's obscession with Seinfeld seems to have waned, though it continued several years past the show's cancellation.)

The article in question ends thusly:

"I don't know what's wrong with the men in this city," said 25 year old hair stylist Stephanie Ernst. "But I do know Valentine's Day is a made-up holiday, so who cares?"

Of course it is! All holidays are "made-up" by someone. They do not just occur naturally, nor are they handed down by God (not even Christmas and Easter). We have holidays because somebody or a group of somebodys or a government or religious group thought that a particular person, cause or event was worthy of commemorating annually and set aside a day to do it. And frankly, Valentine's Day has more of a claim to being a "real" holiday, simply by virtue of having been around longer, than such Johnny Come Latelies as Kwanzaa, Martin Luthor King Day and President's Day.

Frankly, I don't bother with most holidays, "made-up" or not. Except Christmas, but that's only because of my nieces. Really. I do it for the kids.

The WORD's New Year's Resolution

Out of all the various December holidays and observances (Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, etc.), the one that most appeals to me is Festivus, the alternative holiday popularized by an episode of the otherwise utterly worthless and unfunny sitcom Seinfeld from about ten years ago. The thing I like most about Festivus is the ritual observed by Seinfeld character George Costanza and his family that is known as "The Airing of the Grievances."

Now, anyone who's been reading this web-log even semi-regularly for the last eleven months would realize that I am not one to wait for a holiday to air my grievances. That then is my New Year's resolution and my promise to you, my readers: I will keep the spirit of Festivus alive in my heart and on my blog year round and let no grievance, no matter how petty, go unaired.

Hallelujah!!

Frontline Dispatch From The War On Christmas

The latest from the War On Christmas:

Anti-Christmas forces suffered a major setback this week when the annual celebration of the birth of Christian icon Jesus Christ took place as scheduled on Monday. The loosely organized band of pointy headed liberals and Godless atheists vowed to redouble their efforts to undermine the fundamental values on which the United States was founded during the coming year. Leaders of the sinister cabal plan to meet in secret to discuss their strategy for 2007 early in the new year, just as soon as they've recovered from their New Year's spree of sin and debauchery, which actually began sometime last week.

Christmas Greetings from THE WORD

Y'know, ol' Eb was so cool in the first chapter, before the ghosts got to him and turned him into such a wuss:

"If I could work my will," said Scrooge, indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!"

--What else but A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

(I wanted to check the book so I got the quote exactly right, but I could not locate my copy, so I went to the library and discovered, unsurprisingly, that is extremely difficult to find an available copy of A Christmas Carol this close to Christmas.)

Merry Christmas, World!

A Classic Christmas Special That Never Was

This time of year, the airwaves and cable bandwidth are saturated with holiday specials and movies, many of them based on popular and well know seasonal tunes, for example Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. As I listening to The Waitresses' Christmas Wrapping, I wondered why no one has ever turned that song, with its tale of a series of romantic "near misses" culminating in a chance encounter at the grocery store on Christmas Eve, into a TV movie. It would make a great light romantic comedy perfect for, say, Lifetime. The story's all right there in the lyrics, just waiting for a good writer to add some details.

Honestly, I'm really surprised no one has thought of it in the two and half decades since that song was recorded.

(STRAY THOUGHTS) Topic: Christmas Blessings

One of the very few things that I actually like about the Christmas season is that it is the only time of year that you get to hear a song by 1980's New Wave group The Waitresses played on the radio.

I'm grateful that the band had the foresight to record their holiday classic "Christmas Wrapping" before their slide into wholly undeserved obscurity.

A Seasonal Top 5

TOP 5:

Christmas Songs That Really Aren't All That Christmasy

In fact, none of the listed songs even mention the holiday.

5. Winter Wonderland

4. Let It Snow

These two songs are simply odes to the joys of foul weather, actually more appropriate for the middle of January.

3. Frosty the Snowman

Y'know, I think that a snowman suddenly coming to life and starting to dance around would actually scare the holy living crap out of most small children, and what's so Christmasy about that?

2. My Favortite Things

Unlike the other songs on this list, this one isn't even about winter.

1. Jingle Bells

This may seem like the quintessential Christmas song, or as Lucy says in A Charlie Brown Christmas, "I mean 'Jingle Bells.' You know, Santa Claus and HO! HO! HO! and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls." However, the truth is that this ditty about the supposed fun of freezing your tuchus while galavanting about the wilderness in an "open sleigh" references precisely none of those things, or anything else even remotely specific to the Christmas holiday.

Unhappy New "Year"

I misprogrammed my VCR Monday night and managed to record only the first hour of NBC's remake of The Year Without A Santa Claus. After watching it, I could see my mistake for the blessing in disguise that it truly was. This overblown, cynical, embarassingly awful live action updating of the beloved classic children's animated holiday special that led to thousands of red headed boys being saddled with the nickname "Heat Miser" is simply unworthy of even that much of my time.

There's really barely enough substance to Year's story to fill even the original's one hour running time, let alone twice that, which is likely what led to introduction of the new character "Sparky," played by the insufferable Chris Kattan. As for the rest of the cast, putting Eddie Griffin in anything is almost always a mistake, and Ethan Suplee essentially plays a pointy-eared version of his My Name Is Earl character as elf Jingle (or maybe he's Jangle, not that I really care). Had her role been better written, Delta Burke would actually have made a fine Mrs. Claus, and John Goodman is actually a great choice as Santa. I hope he gets the chance someday to play the part in a better film. The only small bright spot was Michael McKean's re-creation of Snow Miser's introductory song, which, unfortunately, was accompanied by Harvey Fierstein's ridiculous butchering of Heat Miser's companion piece.

All in all, this was one of the most unnecessary and unoriginal remakes I have ever suffered through half of.