The Other Paper: "Journalistic Fluff"

Whenever I'm feeling tired and uninspired and don't know what to write about, I secretly thank whatever cruel and demented power created our imperfect universe for the existence of The Other Paper, for all I have to do is open this worhtless wasted of ink to any page in order to read some outrageous crime against good journalism.

Others apparently do not share my low opinion of TOP and instead have chosen to delude themselves into believing that TOP is actually a serious journalistic exercise rather than an exercise in sophomoric snarkiness unworthy of even the drunkest college frat boys. One such benighted soul, a certain Brian Carnahan, went so far as to write a letter, printed in this week's issue, criticizing their choice of subject matter for the February 22 cover story. Carnahan claims that he was "amazed that such a piece of journalistic fluff had made its way on to the cover of the The Other Paper." This statement led me to wonder if Carnahan has been reading the same Other Paper that I have. What he terms "journalistic fluff" seems to me to be all, in fact, that ever makes its way on to TOP's front page. This is, after all, the same publication that several years ago saw fit to devote that prime editorial real estate to a story about local ABC affiliate WSYX (Channel 6) choosing to air syndicated repeats of Seinfeld in prime time in place of whatever forgettable lump of excrement their network was shoveling out at the time. Not only is this not front page news, it's not worthy of even mentioning in any even halfway respectable newspaper. The story's only purpose seemed to be to allow the inexplicably Seinfeld-obscessed editors of TOP to slap a picture of the show's cast on the cover next to the "article."

This is also the same "newspaper" that just a few weeks ago gave over its lead-off spot to a snarky critique of local TV coverage of the winter weather, an article in which, as I mentioned in an earlier entry, the writer could not be bothered to fact check such simple details as what channel the soap opera All My Children airs on.

If it weren't for "journalistic fluff," Mr. Carnahan, there would be no Other Paper, which, as you can probably deduce from the tone of what I've written thus far today, would not, from my perspective, be such a bad thing after all.

Superstitious Question

I have a question. It may seem kind of silly, but I'd really like an answer if anybody's got one.

Okay, you all remember the old superstition that says that an itchy palm means you're going to receiving money shortly, right? Well, what I'm wondering is whether it matters which hand's palm is itchy, or if you're right or left handed?

Y'see, I'm right handed and today my left palm was itching, and I'm wondering if there's any significance to that beyond the basic "itchy palm means $$" belief.

I'm really hoping that it means I'll be able to pay my phone bill this month.

The Finale Word

Last week, at least I think it was last week, Columbus Alive's "TV Diva" devoted her column to a listing of what she considered the best and worst of recent TV show finale episodes. The fact that I'm writing this should tell you that I take issue with at least one of her choices, and I do, indeed, dispute the inclusion of Everybody Loves Raymond's final episode on the "Worst" list.

While I was never a fan of the show, finding it bland and only mildy amusing at best, I felt that the final episode was an entirely appropriate way to end Raymond. Raymond, after all, wasn't a show where big momentous events ever happened; it was, rather, a slice-of-life a sadly typical American family. There were no ongoing plotlines to resolve, loose ends to tie up, or lingering questions to answer, and the episode, especially the last scene, suggested that life would go on for the Barone family just as it always had, even though we weren't going to be watching it anymore. It sort of harkened back to a simple era in network TV, before every series, no matter how short-lived or low rated or just plain awful, had to give itself a big self-congratulatory send off, as, in many ways, did the series itself.

One recent finale that I was quite disappointed in, that of country diva Reba McEntire's eponymous sitcom, Reba, aired just about three weeks ago on the newly forged CW network. All through this final season, the show seemed to be building up to a big finale with several ongoing plotlines; including Barbra Jean's new career as TV weathergirl "Stormy Clearweather," Brock and Barbra Jean's impending divorce, Cheyenne's pregnacy, and Kyra's aspirations to be a rock star; running through the episodes. However, in the actual final segment, the resolution of the divorce storyline was kind of anti-climactic and the other plot threads were simply left hanging loose. All in all, it was one of the most unsatisfying series conclusions ever.

This Season's Final Rant About How Bad "The Class" Is

I didn't post anything yesterday, not only because I was really tired and just wanted to drop into a coma, but because the only thing I would have written anyway would have been another rant about how bad CBS' The Class is, especially Monday's lame-ass season finale. I've been over that territory twice before and I thought you, my loyal and long suffering readership, might find it a bit tiresome...and yet...can't...help...myself...must...bitch...about...bad...sitcom....

Most of the episode was lame but inoffensive, as the characters dealt with the aftermath of last episode's ridiculous plot twist, Yonk's heart attack. Predictably, this led to Nicole deciding not to leave him for Duncan, thus setting up this episode's ridiculous plot twist: While Ethan sits outside Kat's apartment with a rose waiting to tell her how he feels about her, Kat is, for reasons that make very little sense, at Duncan's house getting drunk and watching The Lake House. For no other reason than the script says so, they start kissing and are getting ready to have sex as the credits roll...

This is the most contrived, unnatural and forced plot development to date on a series that has at least one contrived, unnatural and forced plot development per episode. It seems out of character for Kat, although all the characters are so sketchy, vague and underdeveloped that its hard to say what's in or out of character for any of them. The only purpose of hooking up Kat and Duncan is to through a roadblock in the path of the seemingly inevitable coupling of Kat and Ethan. Their courtship will probably drag on interminably, "Ross and Rachel" style, for as long as this sad excuse for a sitcom continues to waste network airtime.

The problems with this show are not easy to fix. In fact, I don't think it can be saved, when the basic premise, that a group of people who haven't seen or spoken to each other in two decades suddenly become best buddies and hang around each other constantly after reuniting at a painfully bad party, is ridiculous and unbelievable. And if you can't buy the basic concept of a show, then no mere shake-up in the writing staff is going to help.

Goolies Get Together!

About a dozen years ago, a CD called Saturday Morning's Greatest Hits came out featuring "alternative" rock acts doing songs from TV cartoons. It was mostly theme songs, but there were a few tunes featured in individual episodes, such as The Violent Femmes tearing up the Jetsons classic "Eep-Op-Ork-Ah-Ah (Means I Love You)." Sadly, no one chose to cover that chase scene classic, "Hey, Girl, Ya Got Me Runnin'," from Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? though that show's theme as rendered by Matthew Sweet is featured.

Also on the disk is the Toadies version of "Goolies' Get Together" the theme from The Groovy Goolies Show, in which they sing the lyrics as "Everybody shout--C'mon, now, sing out! It's time for the Goolies' Get Together!" For years, I was convinced that those were not the correct lyrics. I distinctly remembered the song being, "Everybody shout--Let the bells ring out!" At least, I thought I did. Until yesterday, when I found the opening of the Goolies on YouTube, and, sure enough, the lyrics were, indeed, "C'mon, now, sing out!" as you can hear in the clip below. (more below)

Howover, I'm not totally sure that I'm completely wrong. You might remember that in the early 70's it was practically mandatory that the cast of a Saturday morning show double as a bubblegum pop band and do a number at the end of each episode. I seem to remember that one of those segments featured a version of "Goolies' Get Together" and that may be from where I am remembering the "Let the bells ring out!" lyric.

If anybody out there has any knowledge or recollection of an alternate version of the Goolies theme, let me know. Leave a comment here or e-mail me at wasted_potential1965@yahoo.com and if you happen to have video of it, post it on YouTube and send me a link.

Anyway, just for the sake of comparison, I leave you with the Toadies version of "Goolies Get-Together." Dig it.

"The Other Paper" Lapses Briefly into Respectability

So, after months of telling my readers how The Other Paper is not fit even for the wrapping of fish, I would be as surprised as any one to find myself writing something that could be construed in any way as a defense of TOP, but that is precisely what you're about to read.

This week's paper included a letter from one Terry Holub. Holub decries the hubbub over the recent staff walkouts at Clintonville movie theater Studio 35, questioning "why is so much time being spent and page space wasted" on the issue.

Well, needless to say, I disagree completely with that point of view, or else I wouldn't bother writing this.

I think that the Studio 35 situation is precisely the type of story that TOP should be covering. They bill themselves as "Columbus' News and Entertainment Newspaper", and, as local entertainment news stories go, this one is fairly significant. The departure of a good chunk of Studio 35's workforce in a dispute with the new management has implications for the future of one of Columbus' oldest and most beloved entertainment venues. This is a story worth reporting and following up on and one that I haven't seen any other local media outlet covering.

In this case, I actually have to commend The Other Paper for doing a good job.

I promise not to make a habit of it.

Classic Archie Cartoon

I'm throwing this clip up for a couple of reasons.

First off, you might remember a few weeks ago when I was writing about the coming changes to Archie Comics' Betty and Veronica. I realize that many of you out there don't read Archie comics or haven't since you were kids, and if you remember Archie and his friends at all it's through the TV cartoons of the late sixties and seventies.

Secondly, I want to share a little piece of my dysfunctional childhood with you.

I watched those cartoons as a kid, and there is one episode that, for reaons I cannot fathom, has stuck in my mind even though it has been years since I last saw it. In that episode, teenage genius Dilton Doiley converts a washing machine into a computer, and Reggie breaks into his lab to use it to do his homework and in the end...well, just watch it.

The Quotable Simon Cowell: Semi-Finals Week 2

To Sanjaya: "It was like some ghastly lunch where after lunch your parents have asked the children to dress up and sing." Is that how you got into the music biz, Si?
To Brandon: "All this 'I'm feeling it' nonsense doesn't work."
"I love Grandmas."
"And I like puppies." ...to use for football (soccer) practice.
To Alaina: "It was like Randy taking part in a hundred meter sprint; i.e. three quarters of the way through the race, he would run out of steam."
To Melinda: "We've had some precocious little monsters on this show..." Let me be clear that he was saying that Melinda is just the opposite of that.
Responding to Antonella: "Let me be absolutely clear. We put Jennifer Hudson in American Idol. The American audience decided to vote her out."
Referring to Leslie's scatting: "...that bit at the end you sounded like Paula talking. That's what it reminded me of. Paula judging the show."
To Sabrina: "Don't confuse power with shouting." Also good advice for writers of super-hero comics.

Idol Gossip: Not Feeling So Darned Good Now, Are Ya?

It's time for this peerless prognosticator to predicate another peerless prediction: I frankly and fearlessly forecast that the song "Feeling Good" will never, ever again be heard upon the American Idol stage.
Face it, faithful followers, after this past week, you could not be blamed for believing that the song is somehow cursed. Or perhaps Idol voters just don't dig it. The facts, however, are utterly unassailable. After A.J. and Leslie both crooned that tune, they were summarily suffered a premature departure from the show while others far more deserving of a ticket back to total obscurity continue their Idol sojourn, remaining to torture America's timpanic membranes for another week at least.
Why Antonella Barba remains on the show is an utter mystery to me, though it could be, as former Other Paper writer Johnny DiLorretto theorized in his Idol wrap-up on Channel 28's Newscenter, that she's enjoying the effects of the publicity surrounding the topless photos of her that have surfaced on the Interweb. (As to whether a report on a TV talent competition actually belongs on a broadcast purporting to be a news show, that is a rant for another time. You can't fault DiLorretto, of course, since, coming from TOP, he wouldn't know real news if it bit him on the ass.)
Sanjaya should probably have been kicked to the curb as well, but that's a little less of a mystery. He's sticking around because America thinks he's cute. As The Cowell spake last week, "...(T)hey'll like your hair," and that might just be barely enough to carry the kid into the Top 12.

A Tale of 2 Edwins

Hey, while poking around the 'Net, I just learned that I have something in common with Stephen King! Something, I mean, besides the fact that both of us are bad writers given to outburst of purple prose. We have the same middle name: Edwin! He is Stephen Edwin King and I, last I checked, am Raymond Edwin Tomczak.

Ok, I'll admit that maybe it's not as cool as it sort of seemed at first.

Ah, what the hell....

"The Class" Still Has None

With the season/series finale (last I heard, CBS hadn't decided yet) of The Class coming up, I decided last night to force myself to sit through an entire episode, something I haven't been able to do for months, to see if this fetid lump of crap still stinks as much as it did when it was first excreted back in the fall. Boy, does it ever! The Class is still as lame, predictable, uninpired, unimaginative, unoriginal, and, most of all, unfunny as it was in its debut episode. Last night's episode was a perfect example of this. The network promos touted an unexpected ending that you dare not miss, however it was "twist" that I could see coming as soon as Nicole tells her lover Duncan that she's going to leave her husband Yonk. To predict the outcome of the episode, I simply ask myself what a lazy, uninspired hack writer would have happen at that point, and, being somewhat of a lazy, uninspired hack myself, I quickly answered myself, "Some sort of medical emergency. Maybe Yonk has a heart attack." Sure enough, the episode ended with Yonk clutching his left side and collapsing while at lunch with the guy his wife is about to leave him for.

Given its lack of originality or humor, I would urge CBS to wipe this stain off its schedule as soon as possible, yet given the current sorry state of the network sitcom (with the notable exception of NBC's excellent Thursday night line-up) I doubt they'd find anything better to replace it.

Weren't the Oscars Last Night??

I fully intended to watch the damned Academy Awards. I really did.

But after Ellen Degeneres' awkward and unfunny monologue, a couple of awards in categories that no one gives half a crap about right up front, and Will Ferrell singing (this must never be allowed to happen again), I knew that I was going to fall asleep in front of my TV long before Hollywood's annual orgy of self-congratulation finally wound to a halt in the wee hours of the morning, so I decided to pack it in early, turn off the idiot box and go to bed.

Nothing that happened last night was much of a surprise to anyone, anyway, at least not to me--not even Degeneres' weak showing. Why this woman is allowed to host awards shows is a mystery to me. They should have gotten John Stewart again if you ask me. Even David Letterman would have been better.

While Forrest Whittaker likely deserved his win for Best Actor, it is a pity that Peter O'Toole couldn't have won. After all, he's been nominated eight times without winning and, as he's somewhere around 120 years old, this was probably his last shot. There just aren't a lot of Oscar worthy roles being written for walking cadavers these days.

That is all that I care to say about the Oscars for this year, except to continue to wonder why the Academy snubbed Kevin Smith and his epic Clerks II. (I'm not joking. Jason Mewes deserves an Oscar!! He is our greatest living actor!!---Ok, I'm joking a little bit.)

The WORD's Oscar Picks '07

Oscar picks?

Look, I spend all my time when I'm sitting around not here in front of a computer screen typing up my useless, uniformed opinions sitting around my apartment watching TV, reading comics and wallowing in pointless self-pity, so it goes without saying that I have failed to see any of the films nominated for any Oscar this year. Hell, the only movie I dragged my sorry ass out off my couch to actually see in a theater last was Clerks II, which, sadly, was completed passed over by the Academy. This, however, will not stop me, in my capacity as semi-professional Pop pundit, from spouting off about who should or shouldn't win in a couple of categories.

For Best Director, it probably is about time, after a three decade career and several previous nominations without a win, that Scoresese takes the statue home. In the Best Actor category, while I haven't seen The Last King of Scotland, I hear Forrest Whittaker really tears up the screen in it and I've always liked him in any other film he's been in, so he's my pick as well as that of people who've actually bothered to watch this film.

And I see that in the Best Foreign Language film, the Academy, unlike the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, which dispenses the Golden Globes, has actually adhered to the spirit of the category by nominating only actual foreign films, rather than American films made in a foreign language by actors turned director trying to be "arty," such as Mel Gibson's Apocalypto or Clint Eastwood's Letters From Iwo Jima, which took the Globe in the category. Of course, as to which film actually wins, I don't give a crap because I didn't see any of them and most of them never even played in Columbus, Ohio anyway.

If I can actually stay up to the end of this snoozefest, I'll report on my impressions later in the week.

Are They Live or Mammorex?

Speaking of the burning issues of the day; here's one that had me tossing and turning at night, unable to get to sleep (and you thought I just drank too much coffee). I ran across this clip on YouTube in which American Idol runner-up (aka "loser") Katherine McPhee goes on the Tyra Banks Show to settle once and for all the question of whether or not her breasts are "real." The answer? To quote Teri Hatcher in a famous, but not very funny (like all of them), episode of Seinfeld: "They're real. And they're spectacular!" By the way, this clip is not for the kids.

And Now: The Really Important News

Y'know, Brittany Spears and the late Anna Nicole Smith have been so in the news recently that I'm beginning to get the details of the two stories confused. However, I think I've got it straight now:

If I'm understanding correctly, Anna Nicole is checking into rehab, while Brittany will be buried in the Bahamas and Kevin Federline gets custody of both women's kids.

Well, if that isn't the way things have worked out, it should be. Except for the part about K-Fed getting the kids. They'd probably be better off with that Columbus, Ohio couple recently convicted for locking their foster kids in cages.

The Quotable Simon Cowell: Season 6 Semi-Finals Week 1

To Paul Kim: "I would suggest that you put your shoes on next week."

Unfortunately, he won't have a chance to either follow or ignore that advice, because he went home Thursday.

To Sanjaya Malakar: "I tell you what; they'll like your hair."

On Chris Sligh's performance: "I kind of felt I was at some weird student gig."

I'm confused. Which is weird, Si, the gig or the student? (Actually, in Sligh's case, it's definitely the student.)

To Ryan Seacrest, responding to the charge that he was too "negative": "Unlike you, I actually respect the audience at home and I don't believe in lieing to them."

About Amy Krebs: "When you sing, you have the personality of a candle."

To Ryan, concerning Alaina Alexander: "Are you trying to date this girl?"
After Lakisha Jones sang: "I am very tempted to say to 23 people, 'Book your plane tickets home.'"

To Ryan, about Lakisha: "The lady standing next to you now basically has thrown down the gauntlet."

Idol Gossip: Semi-Finals Week 1

So, I heard on the Today show this morning that nude photos of American Idol contestant Antonella Barba have surfaced somewhere here in cyberspaceland. According to the report, Fox network execs have not commented on this and won't say if it will affect her future on the show.

Well, I don't really think she has too much of a future on the show. Nude pics on the 'net won't hurt her chances of being the next American Idol, but her utter lack of singing ability just might. There's really very little chance that she'll survive into the final 12.

Actually, I'm surprised that she squeaked past this week after her attrocious performance on Wednesday night. However, I am glad that she wasn't voted off, because I really hate the song she did, "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing," not to mention her embarassingly awful rendition of it, and I'm glad that I didn't have to suffer through an encore.

I was prepared for Chris Sligh to go home Thursday, too, simply because I've picked him to win the whole shooting match and I'm never right about these things.

Now, just because I picked Sligh to win doesn't mean that he's my favorite singer or that I think he's the best or that he deserves to win. It actually reflects the fact that I think he looks like the least likely candidate for Idolhood at this point and therefore might just surprise us all and take the prize.

Now, if you asked me who I think truly deserves to go all the way, based on this week's performances, I'd have to agree with Simon that the others should start packing for home because Lakisha Jones has "thrown down the gauntlet."

This woman is the real surprise of the competition. This season we have people like background singers Brandon Rogers and Melinda Doolittle who have been making their living in the music industry, but a true amateur, a single mother who works in a band and only sings in public at church on Sundays, has come from nowhere and blown everyone out of the water. Of course, giving talented amateurs a chance to shine is part of what Idol is all about.

My sister thinks that Jones has been jinxed, however, and after Simon's high praise she doesn't have a chance to win. She says that Cowell said something similar to Mandisa last season and she suffered an unexpected early exit.

Well, I think that if Jones doesn't win, it will be not because of the Curse of Cowell but because the people voting don't know a good singer when they hear it and will instead vote for some cute, funny goofy guy with weird hair just like they did last year, which is precisely why I've tagged Chris Sligh as the probable champ.

Oops! TOP Did It Again!!

My God, they must have brass ones over at The Other Paper. (For my readers outside of Columbus, TOP is our leading "alternative" newsweekly.) I mean, they have got chutzpah coming out their freakin' ears.

In this week's Media Morsels column, the unnamed writer mocks the Ohio State University student paper, The Lantern, for declaring in an article: "When the temperature is below 20 degrees Celsius, that is when officials will decide if classes should be cancelled." The Media Morsels author points out that 20 Celsius is equivalent to 68 Fahrenheit, and smarmily suggests that OSU might be back in session by March, if there's a warm spell.

I do not believe that TOP would dare to ridicule another publication for a minor mistake when an average issue of their worthless rag is riddled with stupid errors. Some months ago, I cited their reference to the "Dutch" cartoons of Mohammed, when anybody who paid even cursory attention to the news twelve months ago knew that the controversial drawings appeared in a Danish newspaper. Then there's the review of The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie, in which the reviewer cited The Lizzie Maguire Movie and Recess among films made from Nickelodeon shows, when the shows that inspired those two wastes of celluloid aired on The Disney Channel. Just last week, in a pointless cover story mocking local TV station's coverage of the recent snow emergency, writer Dan Williamson reported: "Channel 4 intruded upon All My Children so Marshall McPeek could conduct an interview with Robert Crockett of the Ohio Emergency Management Agency."

Wow! That must have been some interview if Channel 4 felt the need to pre-empt another station's programming. You see, Channel 4 is an NBC affilliate, and All My Children, an ABC soap, airs locally on Channel 6.

I considered writing about that boo-boo last week right after I read it, but decided that it wasn't really that big a deal, just the latest in a seeming endless string of stupid mistakes that make it into print with alarming regularity. At least it wasn't a big deal until TOP had the temerity to take another newspaper to task for a goof that really wasn't such a big deal either. Apparently, the stone throwers at The Other Paper don't realize just what their own house is constructed of.

YouTube and the Lazy Blogger

All right, world...I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm depressed, and, quite frankly, I have nothing worthwhile to say about anything today. However, I will feel guilty if I let this blog go unupdated for two days in a row, especially after missing so many days last week because the weather shut down the Coulumbus Public Libraries.

So I say Thank God for You Tube! Instead of posting my thoughts, I'll put up someone else's.

To be perfectly honest, I haven't even watched this clip, but this Mark Day guy is really funny, so it should be good.

Thank you and good night...I'm going home and taking a nap before American Idol.

Tales From The Fridge

I was reading an article in the latest issue of PLAYBOY (Yes, I said "reading an article." Some people do actually do that. Stop snickering.) where I came across the following odd but interesting statistic: "Researchers...have found that the average American opens the refrigerator door 22 times a day."
This provides me with further proof, though no more was truly needed, that I am not average. I have never in my life, definitely not in all the years I've been living on my own, opened my refrigerator door 22 times in one day. In fact, I can often go for days at a time without opening it at all.
I suppose that would change if I actually kept food in there rather than simply using it to hide the dirty dishes and stash empty pizza boxes.