"'Til Death"--Let's Hope It Comes Soon For Awful Sitcom

Until last night, I had not watched the new Fox sitcom 'Til Death, starring Brad Garrett. The promos that aired before it premiered last fall seemed to promise another unfunny, unoriginal sitcom about a bickering married couple in the vein of Married, With Children. Perhaps I wasn't the only one avoiding the show, as Fox last night "rewarded" it with the post American timeslot, hoping to trick people too lazy to even pick up the damned remote, like me, into watching it.

Well, I won't fall for that trick again. Frankly, the show is so awful that I'm not going to waste time writing a review, since listing everything that I don't like about this lump of stinky crap would take more time than I have available right now. I'll just sum it up in five words: It sucks; I hate it.

However, I suppose it is preferable to another edition of Unanimous, the utterly heinous "reality" show that followed the Idol results show last spring. (If you have, mercifully, forgotten about this particular pile of excrement, here's my review from last year.)

The Quotable Simon Cowell: Season 6; Top 12

Opening remarks: "This stage changes everybody, Ryan. It's a whole new ballgame." ...and Melinda and Lakisha are still hitting Grand Slam homers every time.

To Brandon: "You came over, if you don't mind me saying, as a background singer for a background singer." Mind? Gee, Si, why would anyone mind?

Exchange with Seacrest after Melinda complains about having to wear high heels on stage:

Ryan: "Simon, any advice about the high heels?"

Simon: "You should know, Ryan."

Ryan: "Stay out of my closet."

Simon: "Come out."

Ryan: "This is about the Top 12, not your wishes."

Seems to me that Seacrest got the better of that exchange.

To Melinda: "You remind of a young Gladys Knight."

To Chris Sligh: "I would keep your glasses on because I think it's you." Plus your eyes get all squinty and that's just not attractive at all, not to mention a bit creepy.

To Sanjaya: "When you hear a wail in Beverly Hills, that is where Diana Ross is watching this. She's gonna freak when she hears this.....The only similarity is the hairstyle." Oddly, the female judge is the only one who doesn't seem obscessed with the kid's hair.

To Chris Richardson: "Remembering that this is a singing competition, take you out the equation with your charm and personality. Listen to the vocal. I thought it was dreadful."

Idol Gossip: Uh...er...Line, please?

Doubtless thou shalt nevermore cast doubt upon my peerless powers of prognostication in the wake of last night's American Idol results show. Did I not fearlessly forecast that Sanjaya was safe this week and one of those who flubbed their lyrics on Tuesday would depart? Of course, the prediction was so Nostrodamusishly (yes, I realize it's not a "real" word) vague that any one of three people could have been voted off and I could have claimed to have correctly foreseen it. Hopefully, the judges were right about the mysterious epidemic of amnesia being the result of nerves resulting from moving to the bigger stage and larger audience and by next week those who remain will be over it.

Simon repeatedly emphasizes that Idol is a "singing competition," and even spoke of how Chris Richardson's vocal performance was awful if you "...take you out the equation with your charm and personality..." The thing is, Si, that this is television and charm and personality go a long way. If you really want Idol to be only about singing talent, then you should broadcast it on radio, or maybe have the contestants perform behind a blue screen on which is projected silent clips from Sailor Moon cartoons. (?!) I stand by my prediction of the eventual winner, and will until Chris Sligh gets voted off, but if vocal talent were the only thing that determined the winner of Idol, Mandisa or Chris Daughtry would have won last season and this season's finale would be the Melinda and Lakisha show. But I don't think that's going to happen.

However, I think that even if neither of those two win, they will go far in the competition and eventually be bigger stars and have longer careers than whoever does win.

Random Bits of Randomness

Here are some other stories that, as they say on TV, we are following here in the Word From On High newsroom:

As far as I know, Captain America, much like Generalissimo Francisco Franco, is still dead.

Van Halen, whether or not they really belonged there, could, for the most part, not even be bothered to show up to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The eponymous Van Halen brothers and original lead singer "Diamond" David Lee Roth skipped the shindig, leaving only lame substitute Sammy Hagar and the other guy in the band who's name no one ever remembers (and I remember the name of the "other guy in Wham!") to accept the accolades.

Viacom is suing Google and its recently aquired subsidiary YouTube for copyright infringement. I want to find out more about this story before I formulate any opinions for public consumption.

I'll have my full American Idol update for the week in a day or two, but I think it's safe to say that Sanjaya Malakar, who belongs in Idol's Top 12 as much as Van Halen belongs in the Rock Hall of Fame, is safe for another week. His vocals may have been weak and totally overwhelmed by the band and background singers, but at least he remembered his lyrics onstage. Look for one of the three or four amnesiacs to check out tonight.

More and these stories and others as they develop.

Warning To Dems: Fred Thompson Could Be Serious Threat

This is an outrage!

I just ran a search on Google for blog entries about Fred Thompson's non-announcement that he might just possibly consider thinking about running for President next year, and my entry from Sunday wasn't among the results....

There are, however, thousands of results, both in blogs and other news outlets. Thompson's half-assed declaration of intent to seek the Presidency is being treated as if it were real news, which certainly wouldn't be happening if he were just a former Senator from Tennessee and not a bona-fide TeeVee star. Many conservative bloggers seem to be throwing their support behind the latest non-candidate, hailing him as the only true conservative in the race that he's not yet in and as the GOP's best chance to retain the White House.

That last part I agree with. And this is why the Democrats can not, must not nominate Hilary Clinton. Thompson's fame from Law & Order may just be enough to catapult him to the Presidency no matter what his politics, because people tend to feel that they know and like actors who they see every week on TV. (Actually, with the hours of L&O reruns available on basic cable, it's more like several times a day.) Meanwhile, a huge chunk of the country really, really does not like Hilary. Given that, she stands very little chance of winning in the general election against someone who isn't a beloved star of a beloved TV series, and against someone who is, she's doomed. Doomed, I tell you.

Seriously, this is a call to the base of the Democratic Party to wake the hell up and smell the friggin' coffee while there is still time...Hilary can not and will not win next year, especially if she ends up going up against Fred Thompson. Do not let your best chance to restore some sanity to how this nation is run slip through your fingers! Please, I urge you, Democrats, to nominate Barack Obama or, my personal favorite, John Edwards. Anybody---For the Love of All That Is Holy--ANYBODY BUT HILARY!!!! (Ok, maybe not Dennis Kucinich, though. He's kind of a little nuts.)

More Rock Hall of Fame Ranting

Here's another quote from later in that USA Today article I cited yesterday. This wonderfully idiotic nugget of crap comes from someone introduced to the reader as "New York writer Roger Wade," who contends: "This is supposed to be a hall of fame, and denying both the fame and influence of Rush and Kiss makes the institution look ridiculous."

Wade is being entirely too literal minded and completely missing the whole point. (Maybe he should come to Columbus and write for The Other Paper.) Perhaps he would prefer that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame change its name to the Rock and Roll Hall of Achievement or the Rock and Roll Hall of Accomplishment. Those are what the "Hall of Fame" concept, whether it be the Rock Hall, or the Baseball or Football Halls of Fame or whatever "Hall of Fame" you care to cite as an example, is meant to recognize and honor. Being popular and influential is not an achievement or an accomplishment. As most people learned in high school, any idiot can be popular and influential. Nobody gets inducted into a "Hall of Fame" just for being famous. (Unless it were the Fame Hall of Fame, which would honor people who are famous simply for being famous, like Paris Hilton. It would be the only Hall of Fame in which any tangible accomplishment would actually count against you.)

Now, once again I ask you, besides selling a lot of records, what did Van Halen really contribute to history of Rock and Roll or its growth as an art form? Not much of anything, to tell the truth, and that's why I was against their induction into the Hall of Fame. However, they're in now, and Poison (who actually aren't eligible 'til 2012) can't be far behind.

Meanwhile, according to a sidebar to the USA Today piece, Guns N' Roses also comes eligible for induction into the Rock Hall in five more years. (God, has it really been two decades since Appetite For Destruction came out? I feel old all of a sudden.) Given my railing about Van Halen's admission, I bet you're thinking that I'm going to say that GN'R should be left out of the Hall. But no, I'm all in favor of letting them in.

Sure, to be totally honest, Guns N' Roses' career consists of one good album followed by twenty years of mediocre, or worse, crap. Then there's the decade or more long wait for Axl Rose to finish the Chinese Democracy Album. Not exactly a "Hall of Fame" showing.

Until, that is, you consider that their one good album was actually not just a good album; not just a great album; Appetite For Destruction was, is, and shall be for all eternity a freakin' bloody brilliant album and quite possibly the best heavy metal/hard rock record ever made. It might seem wrong to admit a band to the Hall of Fame on the strength of one album, but when that album is Appetite For Destruction it is absolutely mandatory.

By the way, when/if Chinese Democracy does come out, it will, of course be a huge disappointment, even in the unlikely event that it's better than Appetite For Destruction, because expectations will have risen so high over the interminable period during which Axl was recording it that absolutely nothing could meet them. It's sort of like when Tom Schultz of Boston took nine years to put out the album Third Stage, and while the result was a fairly good album, most people who heard it thought, "I waited nine years for this crap?"

Latest Sign of the Approaching Apocalypse: Van Halen In Rock Hall of Fame

Tonight in New York City, the annual Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony will be taking place. Don't feel too bad if you can't make it to the show, as you'll probably soon be able to watch it endlessly on VH-1.

As soon as this year's crop of honorees was announced some two months ago, the inclusion of pioneering rap group Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five raised eyebrows among rock critics. The Five are the very first rap act to be admitted to the hall and the skeptics have questioned whether they, or any hip-hop act for that matter, belong there.

The tempest in a teapot over Grandmaster Flash has directed attention from the truly questionable choice among this year's inductees.

I am referring, of course, to Van Halen.

Make no mistake, I like Van Halen. I'd even go so far as to call myself a fan. (Keep in mind, however, that when I say "Van Halen" I mean the real, "Diamond" David Lee Roth led incarnation and not the weak-ass "Van Hagar" simulacrum that popped up in 1985.) Van Halen was, arguably, the finest hard rock band of its era, which, to be honest, is sort of a left handed compliment considering the "competition." To totally honest, they produced fairly generic, radio friendly pseudo-metal calculated to appeal to preteen proto-headbangers. Despite Eddie Van Halen's guitar virtuousity, the band could hardly be called groundbreaking either musically or lyrically. Van Halen made great party records, but that's hardly a qualification for entrance into any sort of "Hall of Fame."

Actually there's a quote from an article on USA Today's web-site that pretty much sums up what I'm trying to say. It's from a man identified as "music writer Brett Milano, author of The Sound of Our Town: A History of Boston Rock and Roll," who says: "Eddie Van Halen taught a million people to overplay, and David Lee Roth ushered in the era of the comedian as rock 'n' roll front man. With Van Halen, we're to the point of bands getting in pretty much only because they sold a lot of records."

Hell, if you're gonna put Van Halen in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, you might as well let KISS in, too. In fact, KISS probably deserves the nod more than Eddie and his pals. They were at least groundbreaking; not musically, but in the savvy way they managed the business side of the band. They merchandised the hell out of themselves, putting their mildly freakish faces on everything from bubblegum cards (anybody else remember when bubblegum cards actually came with bubblegum?) to lunchboxes to T-shirts to comic books (they even made a cameo appearance in an issue of Howard The Duck.)

Maybe KISS will get in to the Hall of Fame next year. Hell, maybe they'll just throw open the doors and admit Poison, Whitesnake, and Twisted Sister, too.

Captain America Is Dead! Long Live Captain America!

Captain America is dead.

Yeah, right.

Issue #25 of Marvel Comics' fourth relaunch of its Captain America series in the past decade features the assassination of Steve Rogers, the super-heroic personification of patriotism, as he is to stand trial for defying the U.S. government in the course of the publisher's latest ill-considered, universe-changing, company wide crossever non-event known as Civil War.

I don't believe it.

A long history of heroes dying and being subsequently resurrected has left me a bit cynical. In an attempt to placate old cranks like me, Marvel's Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada is quoted on CNN as saying that he has instructed all his writers that a character's death should "mean something," by which I presume he is attempting to assure us that this is a permanent change and not just a short term publicity stunt. Of course, he goes on to say that a character's resurrection should also "mean something," which doesn't exactly slam the door shut on Rogers someday popping up alive and well again.

While the "death" of Superman was blatantly a grab to increase sales, as well as delay the inevitable wedding of Supes and Lois Lane to coincide with the same event on the then current TV series Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, and Kal-El was never meant to stay dead, most writers and editors who craft stories in which heroes are killed off generally truly intend that the character shall remain dead henceforth. However, as in the recent case of the Hal Jordan version of the hero Green Lantern, writers and editors who follow them will inevitably give in to the whining of the aging fanboys who make up the vast majority of comic book readers these days and bring the deceased heroes back to life.

Meanwhile, it's a pretty sure bet that even without Steve Rogers to wear the star spangle chain mail, the Captain America identity will continue with a new, or at least different, character picking up Cap's mighty shield. I'll bet it's going to be Bucky Barnes, Cap's sidekick from the 1940's who was retroactively killed off by Stan Lee when he returned Cap to active duty after a decade of lingering in limbo with 1964's Avengers #4 and who has been, I am given to understand, recently revived himself. I find it somewhat ironic that for many years, the semi-official position of Marvel concerning the death of heroes was "Only Bucky stays dead." Now that that commandment has been broken and the Buckster breathes once more, it probably won't be too long before his former mentor returns to the ranks of the living.

One other thing that bothers me about Cap being offed is the way Marvel is doing it. Having the so-called symbol of America gunned down by a Jack Ruby wanna-be on the steps of a courthouse is about as lame as having Superman beaten to death by some random monster coming out of nowhere rather than meeting his end at the hands of one of his longtime nemeses such as Lex Luthor or Braniac. Somewhere the Red Skull must be having one hell of a hissy fit. Which, of course, is all the more reason to eventually bring back Cap and kill him off proper-like next time.

It also bothers me that the mainstream media outlets, not just the panting fanboy sycophants who dominate the comics industry press, always buy into the hype whenever one of the major comics publishers decides to give their sales a temporary bump by killing off a character. Dozens of news outlets the world over from CNN to the BBC and Newsweek have covered this story as if a.) it matters to anyone other than those aging fanboys I mentioned earlier or b.) Cap, or at least Steve Rogers, was actually going to stay dead, which I guarantee you will not happen.

Of course, this is the same American news media that accepted uncritically every last one of Bush and Cheney's seemingly endless succession of bogus justifications for invading Iraq, parroting each new lie even as the previous one was exposed as false.

Arthur Branch for President???

Yet another big change could be coming to the constantly morphing cast of NBC's Law & Order. On this morning's edition of the rightward leaning Sunday interview show Fox News Sunday, actor and former United States senator Fred Thompson, who for the past five seasons has portrayed New York City District Attorney Arthur Branch on the long running cops and lawyers drama, revealed to FNS host/Bush Administration puppet Chris Wallace that he is considering wading into the already crowded pool of hopefuls wrangling for the Republican Party's nomination in next year's Presidential election.

Thompson told Wallace that he has no set timetable for reaching his final decision to run or not, but I would think that he would have to come to a conclusion soon in order to give his bosses at L&O enough time to find a replacement, since I assume that he will leave the show if he decides to pursue the Presidency.

Whenever he may throw his hat into the ring of fire, the visibility he has enjoyed as a co-star of one of TV's longest running, highest rated and most respected dramas should catapult him to the front of the field, up there with John McCain and Rudy Giuliani and straight past such relative unknowns as Mitt Romney, Sam Brownback, Chuck Hagel, Mike Huckabee and Duncan Hunter. (No, I'm not just pulling these names out of my ass, they're all real people who want to be the next POTUS. Truthfully, I'd never heard of anyone named Duncan Hunter, either, until just a few moments ago, when I saw his name, which is all I know about him at the moment, on this list of GOP contenders--and I use that term loosely for most of these guys.) Politically, though, due to the fact that he's been out of the game for a while, Thompson is himself a bit of an unknown quantity. I suspect that a lot of people who support him, at least in the early going, will be doing so based more on the politics of D.A. Branch as revealed during his sojourn on Law & Order, rather than on anything the real-life Thompson has said or done. It reminds of when G.W. Bush first emerged as a serious contender and some of his early popularity sprang from people thinking he was his father, which turned out to be far, far from the truth.

Interestingly, none of this came up during the on-air interview. While it's fitting for what is ostensibly a "news" program (Word From On High style rule # 37: the word "news" always goes in quotes when discussing Fox) to focus on the issues rather than the showbiz aspect of the story, it seems odd that his current employment was not even mentioned in passing, since it will no doubt, as I said above, influence both his decision to run and his chances at getting the nomination.

The Quotable Simon Cowell: Season 6; Semi-Finals Week 3

To Sanjaya: "Maybe it's your hair that's keeping you in." Well, that and his smile.

After Jared performed: "I'm sort of disappointed over all because I'm not hearing the 'wow' factor." Is that related to the "X Factor" that you're always talking about?

To Sabrina: "It actually reminded me of a hotel resort performance." To which Paula responded: "If you're performing at any hotel, I'll go there," and Simon shot back, "Good. I'll send you."

To Antonella: "I feel for you because you've taken a lot of stick in the media. (If it hadn't been live TV, he probably would have used a different word.) I think you've handled yourself well throughout. I don't think anyone should be put in that position." That almost, I say almost, makes me feel bad about what I wrote about Antonella in the previous post.

To Haley Scarnato: "You know what I said to Paula about halfway through the song: I don't know your name." While Haley hasn't made an impression on the Cowell, she apparently made enough of an impression on viewers to sneak into the Top 12. (Y'know, she's got nice hair, too. Of course the "hair theory" utterly fails to explain Phil Stacy.)

To Melinda: "You little tiger. I thought we had a pussycat."

On why Sundance got cut: "The volume was turned down?"

About Idol's big charity event: "At the end of the day, all of us have done very well out of this show, so I'm glad that we can do something back." However, as I said in the last post, it would mean more, to me at least, if you could give something back without a camera pointed at you.

Idol Gossip: The Top 12 Is Set

With American Idol's Top 12 in place, as of yet I do not have to revise my initial prediction of the eventual winner. Chris Sligh remains in the running with a good shot at being the next Idol. Of course, there are 10 other hopefuls who also have a good chance of taking the prize.

Sanjaya Malakar, on the other hand, should never have made it past Wednesday of Hollywood Week and won't be there for big charity bash that Ryan Seacrest announced on Thursday's results show. That Sundance Head failed to garner enough support from the American public to continue on to the finals may be the biggest injustice perpetrated on Idol so far this season, and perhaps ever. This what happens when you give people free will and let them vote on stuff: G.W. Bush gets a second term and Sundance gets the boot. Even though this week's performance was his best of the live shows so far, and I'll admit that's not really saying much, Simon was probably at least half right when he made that crack about Sanjawa's hair keeping him in. The kid's got a nice smile as well.

Antonella Barba's eviction, on the other hand, was both expected and about two weeks overdue. Now that she's off the show, she is free to pursue her true destiny of posing for Playboy (or maybe Penthouse) and dieing of a drug overdose before the age of thirty. I did read in yesterday's Columbus Dispatch that Barba has recieved endorsement offers from the producers of Girls Gone Wild and a web site that rents "adult" DVDs, based, I should assume, on the fact that topless pics of her have surfaced on-line and Johnny DiLorretto hinted in his Fox28 Newscenter Idol wrap-up that more are coming. (Too Much Information Department: To be perfectly honest, if I were to seek out topless photos of any of this year's top 12 women, it would be Gina Glockson.)

As for the "big announcement" on Thursday that Idol will be doing a week of "special" shows to benefit charity and that Coke, AT&T and other Idol advertisers will donate cash to various causes for every vote cast: I am unimpressed. In my opinion, if these soulless megacorporations that rake in obscene profits off the sweat of the working poor in America and all over the world really cared about helping the very people they're screwing over with their rampant greed then they would just give a portions of their hideoulsy bloated profits to charity without all the hoopla and without having to tie it into a PR campaign or an effort to increase their sales and pull in even more profit. In fact, if Coke and AT&T and Fox and Idol's producers were to just give money without trying to cash in on it to increase their ratings or sales, that would actually bring them a lot more positive PR then a stunt like this.

By the way, when, after Sabrina got the boot, Ryan said in a stage whisper, "No doubt one of the most intense episodes we've ever had; live here as we formulate the top twelve," didn't he sound exactly like a commentator at a golf match?

The Other Paper: "Journalistic Fluff"

Whenever I'm feeling tired and uninspired and don't know what to write about, I secretly thank whatever cruel and demented power created our imperfect universe for the existence of The Other Paper, for all I have to do is open this worhtless wasted of ink to any page in order to read some outrageous crime against good journalism.

Others apparently do not share my low opinion of TOP and instead have chosen to delude themselves into believing that TOP is actually a serious journalistic exercise rather than an exercise in sophomoric snarkiness unworthy of even the drunkest college frat boys. One such benighted soul, a certain Brian Carnahan, went so far as to write a letter, printed in this week's issue, criticizing their choice of subject matter for the February 22 cover story. Carnahan claims that he was "amazed that such a piece of journalistic fluff had made its way on to the cover of the The Other Paper." This statement led me to wonder if Carnahan has been reading the same Other Paper that I have. What he terms "journalistic fluff" seems to me to be all, in fact, that ever makes its way on to TOP's front page. This is, after all, the same publication that several years ago saw fit to devote that prime editorial real estate to a story about local ABC affiliate WSYX (Channel 6) choosing to air syndicated repeats of Seinfeld in prime time in place of whatever forgettable lump of excrement their network was shoveling out at the time. Not only is this not front page news, it's not worthy of even mentioning in any even halfway respectable newspaper. The story's only purpose seemed to be to allow the inexplicably Seinfeld-obscessed editors of TOP to slap a picture of the show's cast on the cover next to the "article."

This is also the same "newspaper" that just a few weeks ago gave over its lead-off spot to a snarky critique of local TV coverage of the winter weather, an article in which, as I mentioned in an earlier entry, the writer could not be bothered to fact check such simple details as what channel the soap opera All My Children airs on.

If it weren't for "journalistic fluff," Mr. Carnahan, there would be no Other Paper, which, as you can probably deduce from the tone of what I've written thus far today, would not, from my perspective, be such a bad thing after all.

Superstitious Question

I have a question. It may seem kind of silly, but I'd really like an answer if anybody's got one.

Okay, you all remember the old superstition that says that an itchy palm means you're going to receiving money shortly, right? Well, what I'm wondering is whether it matters which hand's palm is itchy, or if you're right or left handed?

Y'see, I'm right handed and today my left palm was itching, and I'm wondering if there's any significance to that beyond the basic "itchy palm means $$" belief.

I'm really hoping that it means I'll be able to pay my phone bill this month.

The Finale Word

Last week, at least I think it was last week, Columbus Alive's "TV Diva" devoted her column to a listing of what she considered the best and worst of recent TV show finale episodes. The fact that I'm writing this should tell you that I take issue with at least one of her choices, and I do, indeed, dispute the inclusion of Everybody Loves Raymond's final episode on the "Worst" list.

While I was never a fan of the show, finding it bland and only mildy amusing at best, I felt that the final episode was an entirely appropriate way to end Raymond. Raymond, after all, wasn't a show where big momentous events ever happened; it was, rather, a slice-of-life a sadly typical American family. There were no ongoing plotlines to resolve, loose ends to tie up, or lingering questions to answer, and the episode, especially the last scene, suggested that life would go on for the Barone family just as it always had, even though we weren't going to be watching it anymore. It sort of harkened back to a simple era in network TV, before every series, no matter how short-lived or low rated or just plain awful, had to give itself a big self-congratulatory send off, as, in many ways, did the series itself.

One recent finale that I was quite disappointed in, that of country diva Reba McEntire's eponymous sitcom, Reba, aired just about three weeks ago on the newly forged CW network. All through this final season, the show seemed to be building up to a big finale with several ongoing plotlines; including Barbra Jean's new career as TV weathergirl "Stormy Clearweather," Brock and Barbra Jean's impending divorce, Cheyenne's pregnacy, and Kyra's aspirations to be a rock star; running through the episodes. However, in the actual final segment, the resolution of the divorce storyline was kind of anti-climactic and the other plot threads were simply left hanging loose. All in all, it was one of the most unsatisfying series conclusions ever.

This Season's Final Rant About How Bad "The Class" Is

I didn't post anything yesterday, not only because I was really tired and just wanted to drop into a coma, but because the only thing I would have written anyway would have been another rant about how bad CBS' The Class is, especially Monday's lame-ass season finale. I've been over that territory twice before and I thought you, my loyal and long suffering readership, might find it a bit tiresome...and yet...can't...help...myself...must...bitch...about...bad...sitcom....

Most of the episode was lame but inoffensive, as the characters dealt with the aftermath of last episode's ridiculous plot twist, Yonk's heart attack. Predictably, this led to Nicole deciding not to leave him for Duncan, thus setting up this episode's ridiculous plot twist: While Ethan sits outside Kat's apartment with a rose waiting to tell her how he feels about her, Kat is, for reasons that make very little sense, at Duncan's house getting drunk and watching The Lake House. For no other reason than the script says so, they start kissing and are getting ready to have sex as the credits roll...

This is the most contrived, unnatural and forced plot development to date on a series that has at least one contrived, unnatural and forced plot development per episode. It seems out of character for Kat, although all the characters are so sketchy, vague and underdeveloped that its hard to say what's in or out of character for any of them. The only purpose of hooking up Kat and Duncan is to through a roadblock in the path of the seemingly inevitable coupling of Kat and Ethan. Their courtship will probably drag on interminably, "Ross and Rachel" style, for as long as this sad excuse for a sitcom continues to waste network airtime.

The problems with this show are not easy to fix. In fact, I don't think it can be saved, when the basic premise, that a group of people who haven't seen or spoken to each other in two decades suddenly become best buddies and hang around each other constantly after reuniting at a painfully bad party, is ridiculous and unbelievable. And if you can't buy the basic concept of a show, then no mere shake-up in the writing staff is going to help.

Goolies Get Together!

About a dozen years ago, a CD called Saturday Morning's Greatest Hits came out featuring "alternative" rock acts doing songs from TV cartoons. It was mostly theme songs, but there were a few tunes featured in individual episodes, such as The Violent Femmes tearing up the Jetsons classic "Eep-Op-Ork-Ah-Ah (Means I Love You)." Sadly, no one chose to cover that chase scene classic, "Hey, Girl, Ya Got Me Runnin'," from Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? though that show's theme as rendered by Matthew Sweet is featured.

Also on the disk is the Toadies version of "Goolies' Get Together" the theme from The Groovy Goolies Show, in which they sing the lyrics as "Everybody shout--C'mon, now, sing out! It's time for the Goolies' Get Together!" For years, I was convinced that those were not the correct lyrics. I distinctly remembered the song being, "Everybody shout--Let the bells ring out!" At least, I thought I did. Until yesterday, when I found the opening of the Goolies on YouTube, and, sure enough, the lyrics were, indeed, "C'mon, now, sing out!" as you can hear in the clip below. (more below)

Howover, I'm not totally sure that I'm completely wrong. You might remember that in the early 70's it was practically mandatory that the cast of a Saturday morning show double as a bubblegum pop band and do a number at the end of each episode. I seem to remember that one of those segments featured a version of "Goolies' Get Together" and that may be from where I am remembering the "Let the bells ring out!" lyric.

If anybody out there has any knowledge or recollection of an alternate version of the Goolies theme, let me know. Leave a comment here or e-mail me at wasted_potential1965@yahoo.com and if you happen to have video of it, post it on YouTube and send me a link.

Anyway, just for the sake of comparison, I leave you with the Toadies version of "Goolies Get-Together." Dig it.

"The Other Paper" Lapses Briefly into Respectability

So, after months of telling my readers how The Other Paper is not fit even for the wrapping of fish, I would be as surprised as any one to find myself writing something that could be construed in any way as a defense of TOP, but that is precisely what you're about to read.

This week's paper included a letter from one Terry Holub. Holub decries the hubbub over the recent staff walkouts at Clintonville movie theater Studio 35, questioning "why is so much time being spent and page space wasted" on the issue.

Well, needless to say, I disagree completely with that point of view, or else I wouldn't bother writing this.

I think that the Studio 35 situation is precisely the type of story that TOP should be covering. They bill themselves as "Columbus' News and Entertainment Newspaper", and, as local entertainment news stories go, this one is fairly significant. The departure of a good chunk of Studio 35's workforce in a dispute with the new management has implications for the future of one of Columbus' oldest and most beloved entertainment venues. This is a story worth reporting and following up on and one that I haven't seen any other local media outlet covering.

In this case, I actually have to commend The Other Paper for doing a good job.

I promise not to make a habit of it.

Classic Archie Cartoon

I'm throwing this clip up for a couple of reasons.

First off, you might remember a few weeks ago when I was writing about the coming changes to Archie Comics' Betty and Veronica. I realize that many of you out there don't read Archie comics or haven't since you were kids, and if you remember Archie and his friends at all it's through the TV cartoons of the late sixties and seventies.

Secondly, I want to share a little piece of my dysfunctional childhood with you.

I watched those cartoons as a kid, and there is one episode that, for reaons I cannot fathom, has stuck in my mind even though it has been years since I last saw it. In that episode, teenage genius Dilton Doiley converts a washing machine into a computer, and Reggie breaks into his lab to use it to do his homework and in the end...well, just watch it.

The Quotable Simon Cowell: Semi-Finals Week 2

To Sanjaya: "It was like some ghastly lunch where after lunch your parents have asked the children to dress up and sing." Is that how you got into the music biz, Si?
To Brandon: "All this 'I'm feeling it' nonsense doesn't work."
"I love Grandmas."
"And I like puppies." ...to use for football (soccer) practice.
To Alaina: "It was like Randy taking part in a hundred meter sprint; i.e. three quarters of the way through the race, he would run out of steam."
To Melinda: "We've had some precocious little monsters on this show..." Let me be clear that he was saying that Melinda is just the opposite of that.
Responding to Antonella: "Let me be absolutely clear. We put Jennifer Hudson in American Idol. The American audience decided to vote her out."
Referring to Leslie's scatting: "...that bit at the end you sounded like Paula talking. That's what it reminded me of. Paula judging the show."
To Sabrina: "Don't confuse power with shouting." Also good advice for writers of super-hero comics.

Idol Gossip: Not Feeling So Darned Good Now, Are Ya?

It's time for this peerless prognosticator to predicate another peerless prediction: I frankly and fearlessly forecast that the song "Feeling Good" will never, ever again be heard upon the American Idol stage.
Face it, faithful followers, after this past week, you could not be blamed for believing that the song is somehow cursed. Or perhaps Idol voters just don't dig it. The facts, however, are utterly unassailable. After A.J. and Leslie both crooned that tune, they were summarily suffered a premature departure from the show while others far more deserving of a ticket back to total obscurity continue their Idol sojourn, remaining to torture America's timpanic membranes for another week at least.
Why Antonella Barba remains on the show is an utter mystery to me, though it could be, as former Other Paper writer Johnny DiLorretto theorized in his Idol wrap-up on Channel 28's Newscenter, that she's enjoying the effects of the publicity surrounding the topless photos of her that have surfaced on the Interweb. (As to whether a report on a TV talent competition actually belongs on a broadcast purporting to be a news show, that is a rant for another time. You can't fault DiLorretto, of course, since, coming from TOP, he wouldn't know real news if it bit him on the ass.)
Sanjaya should probably have been kicked to the curb as well, but that's a little less of a mystery. He's sticking around because America thinks he's cute. As The Cowell spake last week, "...(T)hey'll like your hair," and that might just be barely enough to carry the kid into the Top 12.